Deep in My Heart
by jmsbndgrl
Summary: Songfic told in two parts. The first is a Vader introspection. The second is an Anakin introspection.
1. Chapter 1

**Deep in My Heart**

**Summary:** Songfic - The first part of this fic will be an introspection on Vader's thoughts as he watches the Emperor torture his son, leading to Anakin's redemption. The second part of this story will be an Anakin introspection, post redemption. The song is "Deep in My Heart, Dear," from the Musical "The Student Prince." This is the version from the movie which Mario Lanza and Ann Blyth sing.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Wars. I'm just borrowing George Lucas's characters for a bit. I also do not own the song "Deep in My Heart, Dear" from the Musical the Student Prince.

**Note #1:** There are going to be two chapters for this songfic, because although the two pieces are related they can be read as two separate vignettes. For that reason, I decided to break them apart.

**Note #2:** For those familiar with the song "Deep in My Heart, Dear" from the movie version of "The Student Prince," the duet in the middle is not going to be included in this song fic. Although I love it and tried to put it in this, it does not fit into the tone or context of my story. There was too much back and forth to make it coherent in relation to the fic.

* * *

He's screaming to me, screaming in pain. I know that kind of agony, I have lived through it since the day I lost… everything. For a time I thought my son would be my ally like no one else would. Together we could have seized control of the galaxy and brought the order I had promised....

No! I cannot think of such things, my son deserves this, not for refusing my Master, but for refusing me. He made his decision and now he must pay the consequences.

"Father, please!" He shouts to me in a strangled voice. Although he cannot see it, I wince for him. I should not feel this way about him, he turned against me like everyone else, like….

_Deep in my heart, dear_

_I have a dream of you_

I try to close my eyes and use the Force to block out the images that attempt to torture me like the lightning rippling through my son's body, but something in the Force seems to be nudging me towards some action. I cannot concentrate with its insistent push and am forced to pull myself out of my futile meditations and focus on the ravaged form of my son. He looks terrible. He does not have the scars that I carry, but I can only imagine that the pain in his eyes matches what I felt on Mustafar all those years ago.

Were my eyes blue then, or are they the yellow I've seen the few times my mask has been off? His eyes mirror the blue mine once were. In a lot of ways, my son reminds me of the man I once was. He is almost a perfect copy of the Jedi I grew up to be, the Jedi she….

_Fashioned of starlight_

_Fragrant with roses and dew_

My eyes flash to my Master as I fight the unwanted tears. I promised myself years ago I would not think or speak of her, but my son keeps bringing back the memories. The flashes of softness and light are not part of my life anymore. I destroyed them and with it sentenced myself to a world without her, a world of darkness.

_Our paths may sever_

_But I'll remember forever_

"Help me!" My son pleads to me as I feel another insistent push from the Force. Once again I wince as I look down at my son. He is suffering, just as I have every day since she left me.

"There is still good in you." My son's words echo to me, but in a softer more melodic voice that I have not heard from in years. Tears burn my cheeks and I nearly stumble forward in shock at the sound. My head whips to the side to gaze at my Master, trying to wipe away the sudden onslaught of emotion that is cascading down upon me.

There is no reassurance or warmth in my Master's face, only cold maliciousness as he destroys my son… her son… our son. My eyes turn back to him and another insistent push calls to me in the Force.

"Please, Anakin. Please." Again the voice I've longed for echoes in my head. How can I let my Master destroy the thing she left me before she died? Our son was created out of love, not the pain and hatred my Master is using to destroy him.

I failed Padmé once in protecting our love and I cannot do it again. She would not have wanted it to be this way, our son, the embodiment of our love, must live on. I no longer need the frantic shoves from the Force to move into action, my feet move of their own free will. I grasp the frail form of my Master and want to screech as the lightning attack that had been meant for my son turns on me. However, I fight through the pain because I have to. I have to prove my love and my son right. I know I do not deserve their forgiveness for all that I have done to them, but as I send my former Master to his death and wait for my own I cannot help but smile with the knowledge that I have protected my family.

_Deep in my heart, dear_

_I'll always dream of you_


	2. Chapter 2

I remember speaking to Luke, offering my son comfort as I left his life for good. I should have offered that comfort years ago, to him, to my daughter, and to my beloved wife. I traded away my family and friends in a futile bid to soothe my fears and insecurities. I destroyed all that I love and although I have given my children the ability to rebuild the world out of the ashes of my mistakes, I know I will forever atone for what I have done.

I know I will burn in the deepest depths of hell. I murdered innocents, ripped apart families, and destroyed whole worlds. Not only did I do this to myself, but I did it to others as well. I forced the galaxy to feel the pain I felt over my mistakes. I regret it and apologize for my actions, but it is too late for that now.

A day ago I would have dreaded the pain I knew I would endure in hell, but now I welcome it. I'm moving towards it because I saved my son, her son. After all I did to hurt her, I will gladly take the pain of death to give her this one last gift.

_Deep in my heart, dear_

_I have a dream of you_

"Anakin." I hear a light breeze call to me in the melodic voice that has haunted me. It seems fitting that voice will tease and taunt me for the rest of eternity while I pay for my crimes. I keep my eyes closed as I drift to my final prison and wait for the flames to consume my soul. I take a deep breath, expecting the smell of fire and brimstone and instead find the light fragrance of wildflowers.

It must be a trick of my senses, so I wait for things to change. I ignore the light breeze as it calls out my name in her voice. Underneath me the solid durasteel of my Star Destroyer fades into something softer and I know the end must be coming. Again I wait for flames to consume me, but instead I feel the air knocked out of my lungs as a warm body falls on top of mine. Out of reflex, my eyes fly open to stare at the devil that has come to torment me, but all I can see is an Angel… my Angel.

"Oh Anakin, I missed you." She murmurs before bringing her lips down to caress mine.

_Fashioned of starlight_

_Fragrant with roses and dew_

"Padmé!" I gasp between her kisses, longing to press her more fully against me, but knowing I do not deserve it.

"I knew you would come back to me!" She murmurs in response before seeking my lips again.

I do not know how I managed it, but somehow I stopped her and set her aside as I sat up and turned my head left and right. I was no longer on my Star Destroyer where I had left my son, but in the Nubian meadow where I had tried to win Padmé's heart all those years ago. There was no fire, there was no brimstone, there was just the beauty of a sunny day on Naboo with the woman I loved.

"I… I can't be here." I mumble as I look back at my beloved, aghast that she is here with me.

"Why not?" Padmé's brow furrows as she raises a hand to caress my cheek, as she often did to soothe my worries.

"I… I hurt you." I wince as I add. "I killed you. I have to pay for what I have done."

Padmé come to me and presses a finger to my lips to silence me. "You proved there was good in you Anakin. I never doubted there was, you just needed to see it. Now we have eternity to make up for the time that we lost."

"No!" I shout and shake my head away from her touch. "I destroyed everything; there can be no heaven for me. I must…." I start to push myself up to my feet. Unsure of what I will do, but knowing I cannot stay here no matter how much I want to. I do not deserve my Angel. I should suffer as I have made others suffer.

"Please…" A strangled sound leaves Padmé's lips as she gazes up at me. Her eyes cloud over with unshed tears as she begs, "Please do not go. I've waited so long for you to redeem yourself."

"There is no redemption for the evils I committed." I answer, still searching for something that will take me to the punishment I deserve. "I must atone for my crimes."

"Then do it here. With me." Padmé answers as she stands and grasps the front of my tunic, trying to stop me from moving.

"No!" I shout, grasping her shoulders and giving her a little shake. "You will not pay for my crimes! Hell is where I am destined to go. I cannot share heaven with you."

The tears she tried to hide slid from Padmé's eyes and down her cheeks as she took in my resolve. My heart clenches in the pain I know I deserved, at the sight of her sorrow. However she and I are not meant to be together. I could not taint her with the darkness of my soul. She deserves happiness, not to suffer with me. However, she has other ideas as I watch her cast her gaze down to the meadow floor and offered her soft reply, "Would you deny me my heaven, by leaving?"

_Our paths may sever_

_But I'll remember forever_

My resolve crumbles and I find myself gathering her in my arms and dropping a series of quick kisses across her face. I've hurt her too much to do it once more. "You are destined for heaven my Angel. After what I did to you, I do not deserve to be with you. You would be better off without me."

Padmé shakes her head, her hands cupping my face and bringing my gaze down to meet hers. "No, my heaven is with you, being together with you, forever."

"And my heaven is with you, my Angel. But… I do not deserve it." I'm silenced as her fingers slide from my cheek to my mouth. I cannot help but kiss each fingertip as they press to my lips.

"Ani…" She uses my childhood nickname to get my attention. "You cannot change what you did, but you did the right thing in the end. You saved Luke and the galaxy from tyranny. You…"

"How can you forgive me?" I interrupt her, pushing away from the warmth of her arms and turning my back on her. I offer the same question up to the Force trying to understand why they have brought me the one thing I have longed for since I lost it all those years ago.

"Because I love you." She answers as she wraps her arms from around me from behind. She then gives the answer to my questions to the Force, "And you will have to live with the memory of your actions for the rest of our eternity. Is that not punishment enough?"

I whip around in her arms and draw her into my embrace. "I love you, my Angel. Force knows I do not deserve you, but I will not deny you your heaven. I'll regret my actions for the rest of our eternity, but I won't leave you. I did that once and I will not do it again."

Padmé smiled at me as her lips caught mine once more. I do not fully understand why the Force granted me such a gift. I know as I watch the galaxy rebuild from my mistakes I will regret all that I did. Remorse will be a constant companion, but with my Angel by my side I'll hope for a brighter future for those I left behind. If nothing else, it is what she, my Angel, would want.

_Deep in my heart, dear_

_I'll always dream of you_


End file.
